Broken hearted Unlucky in love but Lucky in Life!

Ever felt like your heart has been broken? Putting your heart on the line with the possibility of being rejected?

That is exactly as what I have done and felt. I gave it my best shot.  Put it all out there, sat my heart on the table, blurted it all out, physically shown what I felt all to no avail.

No more games we say. Ever feel like your getting to old for that shit? Yep! Time does take its toll.

I guess it is always better to know you have said than to regret the rest of your life. That is the positive!

I know now all that I felt meant nothing to another and yes I was down, yes I felt like running away. Instead I spent 2 days in bed crying. Bawling my eyes out like the girl I can be at times. Feeling physcially sick from the amount of emotion I put across. But then decided NO, I have come too far in my life to let something bring me down.

It wasn't just a subtle let down. It was all head style fucking and then a massive smash down with the foot type. But i figured if someone can't love me for who I am now and only sees the past, then they are not worth my time to fight. I was willing to fight, fight hard but that was taken wrongly especially if all they can do is pre-empt the future by seeing the past.

I was a bad person, I have done horrible things but I am not so now. < seems to come up a bit lately. But I own my mistakes, I don't deny or hide behind an excuse.

So like I said it has taken 2 days hiding in my bed pining for lost love when then I got up and went FUCK IT, DAMN THE MAN I am worth so much more. I feel silly for holding on to a lost cause. I think I held on as I was still afraid of my future. So loving silently was helping me think I had something wonderful coming. DELUSIONAL!!

Again I have let myself be manipulated and suckered in again, undoing by myself. I will always have feelings there but now put on to another level.
But hey, that is what hope and love does to some people.

Usually this would bring me down in to a massive depression where I would pine away. I have found over the last 9 months I do not do this anymore. I fall in to what is considered a normal mourning period. A time of sadness. Losing what I thought could be a great love. Something for life. If not grabbed on to by the other party what is the point? I offered to wait, to hold on as I understood what was happening. People say you shouldn't wait but that depends differently to every person/situation as long as it does not adversely affect you. That is a personal choice.

Well letting that one go has been a very difficult decision, if they want something then maybe it is their time to express so. Actually a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter because I am no longer loving in silence. I am not living in a dream world.... mind you I did have an awesome dream this arvo when I had a lil kip....

I gave it my best effort and spoke from the heart. Not responsive so buggar ya!

Unlucky in love but lucky in life!

NEXT....

My take on LOVE

This is a very revealing blog about myself. Here goes....

Love, what a touchy subject for some. But is it not what we are searching for? True unconditional love from another.

Some are happy to just plod along and if it pops up... well bonus!

Others are like how I used to be. Searching, pining for someone to love them.

Unfortunately I have failed many times in love. I have let my insecurities take ahold and I will sabotage the relationship. I create the mess, the drama, the problems.

 
I have mistrusted, guilted and pushed every boundary possible.

I know now after so long the reason why I have done this. I have done it to reinforce my insecurity that noone can love me, I am not worthy of love, I am an ugly person.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this as I have lost some great loves by doing just that. Sad for letting myself having done such horrible things. Pushing them until there is no more. Setting limitations and boundaries. Breaking promises and never listening.

I make the person do exactly what I want by making them reject me. If I reject and hurt them then they will retreat and in turn hurt me. Forging my own mindset.

For a very long time I lived by the rule of any attention is good attention. WRONG!

I used to become so insecure and jealous of my ex - partners. My only thought was not that they would cheat but lose interest, the relationships they had with other people, the active interesting lives they led. Just pure jealousy. 

See they COULD live without me. That is HEALTHY!!!!!! You should NEVER need or rely on someone for anything, boyfriend/girlfriend/relative/friend.

The only exception to that rule with a person needing you is a child!

I had built such an unhealthy view on how a relationship should be that I forced those 'persons' in to a corner. So the only way out was to literally become physical, I don't mean they were all violent. But having to literally pick me up and move me to the side so they could at least catch their breathe. As no amount of talking, yelling, passive behaviour was sinking in.

I have made myself learn the hard way. I had bounced from one relationship straight into the next. Craving attention and feelings of love.

Ofcourse not all of it was bad. There were times of laughter, happiness, adventure and just being in pure bliss.

I have come to know the difference between needs and wants.

You don't need love, you don't need someone to make you happy and content. If you need something then you are not complete within yourself and you will only manifest your "problems" in to the relationship.
Ofcourse you can want things but be active about it. Don't expect anything. Don't put standards or limits on anyone. That goes for other loved ones too. People can only be pushed so far before breaking.

If love is not a choice for some people, I have the upmost respect for you, that you truly are content with life.

 

I have made some terrible mistakes and made people go through absolute hell for my own selfish "needs". I know the problem now. And I know ofcourse people say it does take 2 to tango but usually one person is worse than the other and/or the instigator.

Once you have realized your faults, apologise! I know I have. But then the biggest thing to do is forgive yourself. Even if they don't and don't ever repeat those mistakes again.

So let's just say I will never be repeating those cycles. I am content with being by myself. I still crave company and affection but there are many other ways to fulfill these desires without forcing love.

Love is great but don't drag yourself down if you don't have "the one". There are so many people who love you in your life and they are what counts.

This is just some of my own emotional experiences. It is not any one others point of view. There are many aspects to "love".

Just appreciate what is around us at all times and not put all energies in to the negative. If someone pulls you down, let them know. Find a solution. Use words and be pro-active. Be understanding to one another and go forward happy in your decisions.

Forgive the past
Treasure the memories
Create anew

Love mateys

Xoxo

#day100

#100happydays #day100

The challenge 100 happy days - CAN YOU BE HAPPY FOR 100 DAYS?

I started this journey to find real happiness, find my smile.

Well it is now day 100. The last 100 days has been a journey balancing and processing many emotions. I remember day 1, I was so upset I had been crying most of the afternoon because of over-thinking irrelevant events that I had worked up in my own head. But I made a promise to myself, no more!! 

I have found a calming balance, the power to fight and most importantly the willingness within to love myself (you could say the no bullshit factor).

I can be me, I feel more comfortable being me, in my own company. I don't need people. If anything I have less people and you know what? I am okay with that.

See no matter how depressed you are there is and always will be one thing in every day that is good. Something is always good. 

No one person can be miserable forever. It is whether you choose to let yourself feel that way or choose to make a difference in your own life. Fuck everyone else. Making other people happy makes you miserable. Don't fool yourself thinking you love making people happy, especially to the detriment of ones self.

I have spent my entire "teen/adult" days trying to make people love me. Yes some of you do love me, but you love me for me not because of what I have done for you.

I have been a horrible person, I have abused others especially loved ones more so, either verbally, physically and/or mentally. I am so truly sorry for having done this and I am ever so blessed to still have those people who put up with me through those times and still be here now.

When you look back over the last 100 days you will see obviously I am obsessed with the sky and food hahaha... but everything i love in everyday life. There is always something beautiful in every day.

So now for me. I have set some new goals to aim for. I look forward to my future, I look forward to spending more time with my kids. They are friggen awesome! I look forward to spending more time with friends and family. 

I hope to have love come my way again. To have someone to live life with.

Thankyou everyone for supporting me on this small journey. I hope to have brought some positivity in to your lives daily. I have done it. I have stuck to something for quite a while and not given up. 

It has been so much fun! I love my life! I am so lucky.

I am happy! :)

#100happy days #day100

xoxo