My take on LOVE

This is a very revealing blog about myself. Here goes....

Love, what a touchy subject for some. But is it not what we are searching for? True unconditional love from another.

Some are happy to just plod along and if it pops up... well bonus!

Others are like how I used to be. Searching, pining for someone to love them.

Unfortunately I have failed many times in love. I have let my insecurities take ahold and I will sabotage the relationship. I create the mess, the drama, the problems.

 
I have mistrusted, guilted and pushed every boundary possible.

I know now after so long the reason why I have done this. I have done it to reinforce my insecurity that noone can love me, I am not worthy of love, I am an ugly person.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this as I have lost some great loves by doing just that. Sad for letting myself having done such horrible things. Pushing them until there is no more. Setting limitations and boundaries. Breaking promises and never listening.

I make the person do exactly what I want by making them reject me. If I reject and hurt them then they will retreat and in turn hurt me. Forging my own mindset.

For a very long time I lived by the rule of any attention is good attention. WRONG!

I used to become so insecure and jealous of my ex - partners. My only thought was not that they would cheat but lose interest, the relationships they had with other people, the active interesting lives they led. Just pure jealousy. 

See they COULD live without me. That is HEALTHY!!!!!! You should NEVER need or rely on someone for anything, boyfriend/girlfriend/relative/friend.

The only exception to that rule with a person needing you is a child!

I had built such an unhealthy view on how a relationship should be that I forced those 'persons' in to a corner. So the only way out was to literally become physical, I don't mean they were all violent. But having to literally pick me up and move me to the side so they could at least catch their breathe. As no amount of talking, yelling, passive behaviour was sinking in.

I have made myself learn the hard way. I had bounced from one relationship straight into the next. Craving attention and feelings of love.

Ofcourse not all of it was bad. There were times of laughter, happiness, adventure and just being in pure bliss.

I have come to know the difference between needs and wants.

You don't need love, you don't need someone to make you happy and content. If you need something then you are not complete within yourself and you will only manifest your "problems" in to the relationship.
Ofcourse you can want things but be active about it. Don't expect anything. Don't put standards or limits on anyone. That goes for other loved ones too. People can only be pushed so far before breaking.

If love is not a choice for some people, I have the upmost respect for you, that you truly are content with life.

 

I have made some terrible mistakes and made people go through absolute hell for my own selfish "needs". I know the problem now. And I know ofcourse people say it does take 2 to tango but usually one person is worse than the other and/or the instigator.

Once you have realized your faults, apologise! I know I have. But then the biggest thing to do is forgive yourself. Even if they don't and don't ever repeat those mistakes again.

So let's just say I will never be repeating those cycles. I am content with being by myself. I still crave company and affection but there are many other ways to fulfill these desires without forcing love.

Love is great but don't drag yourself down if you don't have "the one". There are so many people who love you in your life and they are what counts.

This is just some of my own emotional experiences. It is not any one others point of view. There are many aspects to "love".

Just appreciate what is around us at all times and not put all energies in to the negative. If someone pulls you down, let them know. Find a solution. Use words and be pro-active. Be understanding to one another and go forward happy in your decisions.

Forgive the past
Treasure the memories
Create anew

Love mateys

Xoxo