Domestic violence... Let's not blanket this one.

What does domestic violence mean?

It is where someone is either mentally, emotionally or physcially abusive to the other party, be it partner, family or friend.

Every person I know has either lived it, witnessed it or heard about it. But why is nothing done about it? Why do we allow it to happen to us or another?

Well I think I will talk from my perspective and my lived experiences rather talk from a 3rd party. As I've said before in other blogs I am open to communicating about these type of issues as I hope it can bring awareness to us all and possibly even yourself. I also think it is easier to write as it is my view and not anyone else's.  So if I step on toes, well don't read it!

I've lived with and in a domestic violent relationship. I would say that all 4 of my relationships have come under domestic violence on both their faults and my own. I have also lived with domestic violence in my own family unit and my friends "circles".

I have physcially been beaten, had bones in my face shattered from being hit. I have been stabbed, i have been bitten. I had petrol poured on me and attempted to be set alight.
I have been verbally abused, called every name under the sun, I have been intimidated. I have been manipulated, I have been fed drugs and alcohol for their purposes. I have been sexually abused, I have been pushed and shoved. I have had all my precious belongings smashed in to pieces. I have been threatened and lied too. I have also been financially hurt, bullied and cheated on. I have been forced in to situations that I never asked for and I have been shipped off when it's "too hard basket".

I would say I very comfortably fit under every banner that represents domestic violence victim.

But this is not all one sided. I myself have physically hurt and intimidated,  I have manipulated, I have called names and I have threatened. I used to smash coffee cups, I used to block off my partners car so they couldn't go to work. I have been everything that I hate. Everything that I despise I have been.

I would say that I too sit under the banner that represents domestic violence perpetrator.

I have seen my friends been hurt emotionally and mentally to breaking point. I have seen others hurt financially, bullied, intimidated, manipulated and physically hurt. I and others have been guilted in to things we either don't want to do or have to do or can't do.

So why have I allowed this and why have I done these things? What have I done to make sure I will never allow or repeat these cycles again? Very big questions!!

Do you know what I am about to say will probably sound like the biggest load of cock but do you know what? I have actually come to peace with it all. I have forgiven those who have done poorly to me. I am one of the very few people out there that has actually gotten an apology from almost all the people that have done wrong to me. Not all but some have. That in itself has helped ten fold in my recovery. I have accepted what was but I will not accept again.

But do you know what the biggest, hardest part is? To forgive myself! I find it so hard to forgive myself. I go over all the "what ifs" "I wish" could have done or happened. I still struggle to accept my own apology.

How do I know I will not repeat any of this again? Because I communicate with myself. I don't sit in denial, I don't hide anymore. At times I do but I don't hide very well from myself anymore.

I have also taken this to communicating with others. I will tell you if I am annoyed or whatever feeling I am experiencing. Ofcourse it may hurt or confuse or anger you but at least I have expressed myself and we can then talk about if it is valid to whatever situation it is at that particular time. This also goes for happy times. I find we do not communicate enough during positive experiences.

I now know my limits, I know where all my boundaries are. I know who I am, what I am doing at all times. 

Yes, I have a mental illness but I am very aware of it. I may at times not be able to control what is spinning in my head but I am aware of it and can pull myself out very quickly with good support.

Oh that's one thing, is support! Having a good support network around you. Having people about that you can freely talk too. Openly without judgement.

Also knowing what is not acceptable.

I think many things we do is learnt behaviour and it all starts from a very early age. I'm not saying it's your parents fault, no one person is to blame but things start then. Then as the years go by we pick up more and more as we go along from our environment whether that is family,  tv, friends, stories or schools.

I believe we need to teach more about self worth. Teach it, learn it , preach it.
Know that you are worth something, know you are valid and can be heard. Know you can listen and accept and tolerate. Self confidence is worth more than you can put down in numbers.

So look, domestic violence comes is many shapes and forms and also sizes. It does not mean that every disagreement you have with someone is domestic violence but at that point you use conflict management to resolve your issues. But don't sit silent. Don't allow yourself to be hurt unduly.

Talk, people need to learn to use their words. But others need to listen without judgement. Let's just a if someone came to you and said my partner hits me and I am scared, I love him and he says he loves me too and he cries after etc etc etc.
That person is scared and probably does want help and advice. That is where you ask the person how can you help. If does not mean you barge in, abuse the partner, call the police and bring in 20 of your mates to beat him to a pulp. We need to be fair, stern and to the point. Offer advise or seek advice if you don't know. There is many other options and ways about this and I could talk a year on this subject.

I just hope you all see where I have been and who I am now. And don't feel you need to keep living in these conditions. If you are the one doing these things, seriously please stop. Think about what you are doing to that person/s and yourself. Think about where you have come from. There is help out there and people do listen. Domestic violence is not just physical. Bruises and bones heal. Do not believe the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Words hurt the most. We do not forget words.

I would also love to thank every one of my family and friends, old and new for all your amazing support, love and friendship. I have the best bunch of people about me now. I could not be happier with the "chosen ones" hahaha love much to you xoxox

That is it for tonight my friends.

So accept who you are but not less than you expect.

Love Teegs xoxo

Mental Illness : My thoughts. Don't suffer alone!

Don't suffer alone!

A small snippet of my thoughts and life about the taboo subject on mental illness.
This will all come from my own experiences.

Well as many of you know I have suffered mental illness for a very long time.

Ok actually let's put it out there, my diagnosis ' : I was originally diagnosed with depression, then manic depression.

 
Officially now the diagnosis is Bipolar Affective Disorder type 2.
Since then I have had many tests on mental illness and personality types. These have come back with Borderline Personality disorder, Dependency disorder and Alcoholism.

Now I know from my experiences that over time yes I have fit in to these categories but I think many of us had at some stage, others not at all and some other 'boxes'.
I say 'boxes' as I believe if things are not 'normal' they HAVE to put you in a box.

I find nowadays that people are not allowed to be just sad or down. You have to have "depression" and be on medication.  I feel doctors are throwing medication down our throats too quickly, chopping/changing them too and slapping some diagnosis about. I say this as this is dangerous. It is dangerous to take drugs. With careful consideration and close monitoring it can be very effective. 

I am not putting down the diagnosis of mental illness at all, mental illness is a real thing. There is a difference between a blue mood and depression. Depression affects your mood, your physical health, thoughts and overall wellbeing.

After 15 years and many many a time of rapid cycling, manic episodes, depression and 2 hospital admissions and an attempt of suicide, I have accepted that yes I do have emotional imbalances and alot comes from circumstantial environment. The hardest part is when i have no reason. I can sit and search and search and do not know why i am unhappy. It is hard for me to still accept that I have a mental illness but it does not dictate what I do or how I act. 

In times of distress I do sometimes over react and let my mind run with itself. I have however learnt to pull myself up very quickly. Usually within hours of something triggering me to lapse. Or I find of late that I retreat in to a sort of hiding, so I don't communicate with people. This could be dangerous in itself. 

My biggest fear is that all the years of medications and some harsh ones over time that I could possibly have had done some damage. All I want is to one day be completely med free. I am however down to just one. One!!!!! A very mild mood stabilizer. Yay!

What I am trying to put across is that it is okay to have problems. It is okay to talk about them without judgment.

 
We do bring a lot on to ourselves but sometimes we think we are doing right or there actually is another underlying issue that needs addressing. Also people need to communicate with each other to help get a better understanding and not point fingers and blame an illness. Don't use it as an escape goat from the real issues.

Mental illness does not make who you are. It something that you have and with good support from family, friends and the community you WILL BE OKAY and can live just as large a life as anyone else or as large as you want. 

But please don't ever think you will be looked down upon if you are suffering. Speak up, there is always someone out there to hear you and support you. I have not always had the support, even with me explaining myself and my cycles. It is hard for people to understand. We need to be educated on this not allow it to be taboo no more. It is hard for people to know what to do but sometimes it is just an ear and a sympathetic hand that could help that person in that very dark moment.

I just want everyone to know that no matter your situation or position is that you mean something to someone. I want people to start to tell others how they feel. Show you care for one another. 

This goes for anyone. BE HAPPY, smile TODAY! Life can be wonderful and there is always something beautiful at every moment of everyday! Help someone smile today!

Love Teegs :-P
xo

I had written this last night and it had come to light this morning that a truly amazing actor who has made us laugh and enjoy the lighter side of life with his hilarious comedy and family feel fun has succumbed to mental illness. It can affect any one person no matter your social status. RIP Robin Williams. 

Broken hearted Unlucky in love but Lucky in Life!

Ever felt like your heart has been broken? Putting your heart on the line with the possibility of being rejected?

That is exactly as what I have done and felt. I gave it my best shot.  Put it all out there, sat my heart on the table, blurted it all out, physically shown what I felt all to no avail.

No more games we say. Ever feel like your getting to old for that shit? Yep! Time does take its toll.

I guess it is always better to know you have said than to regret the rest of your life. That is the positive!

I know now all that I felt meant nothing to another and yes I was down, yes I felt like running away. Instead I spent 2 days in bed crying. Bawling my eyes out like the girl I can be at times. Feeling physcially sick from the amount of emotion I put across. But then decided NO, I have come too far in my life to let something bring me down.

It wasn't just a subtle let down. It was all head style fucking and then a massive smash down with the foot type. But i figured if someone can't love me for who I am now and only sees the past, then they are not worth my time to fight. I was willing to fight, fight hard but that was taken wrongly especially if all they can do is pre-empt the future by seeing the past.

I was a bad person, I have done horrible things but I am not so now. < seems to come up a bit lately. But I own my mistakes, I don't deny or hide behind an excuse.

So like I said it has taken 2 days hiding in my bed pining for lost love when then I got up and went FUCK IT, DAMN THE MAN I am worth so much more. I feel silly for holding on to a lost cause. I think I held on as I was still afraid of my future. So loving silently was helping me think I had something wonderful coming. DELUSIONAL!!

Again I have let myself be manipulated and suckered in again, undoing by myself. I will always have feelings there but now put on to another level.
But hey, that is what hope and love does to some people.

Usually this would bring me down in to a massive depression where I would pine away. I have found over the last 9 months I do not do this anymore. I fall in to what is considered a normal mourning period. A time of sadness. Losing what I thought could be a great love. Something for life. If not grabbed on to by the other party what is the point? I offered to wait, to hold on as I understood what was happening. People say you shouldn't wait but that depends differently to every person/situation as long as it does not adversely affect you. That is a personal choice.

Well letting that one go has been a very difficult decision, if they want something then maybe it is their time to express so. Actually a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter because I am no longer loving in silence. I am not living in a dream world.... mind you I did have an awesome dream this arvo when I had a lil kip....

I gave it my best effort and spoke from the heart. Not responsive so buggar ya!

Unlucky in love but lucky in life!

NEXT....

My take on LOVE

This is a very revealing blog about myself. Here goes....

Love, what a touchy subject for some. But is it not what we are searching for? True unconditional love from another.

Some are happy to just plod along and if it pops up... well bonus!

Others are like how I used to be. Searching, pining for someone to love them.

Unfortunately I have failed many times in love. I have let my insecurities take ahold and I will sabotage the relationship. I create the mess, the drama, the problems.

 
I have mistrusted, guilted and pushed every boundary possible.

I know now after so long the reason why I have done this. I have done it to reinforce my insecurity that noone can love me, I am not worthy of love, I am an ugly person.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this as I have lost some great loves by doing just that. Sad for letting myself having done such horrible things. Pushing them until there is no more. Setting limitations and boundaries. Breaking promises and never listening.

I make the person do exactly what I want by making them reject me. If I reject and hurt them then they will retreat and in turn hurt me. Forging my own mindset.

For a very long time I lived by the rule of any attention is good attention. WRONG!

I used to become so insecure and jealous of my ex - partners. My only thought was not that they would cheat but lose interest, the relationships they had with other people, the active interesting lives they led. Just pure jealousy. 

See they COULD live without me. That is HEALTHY!!!!!! You should NEVER need or rely on someone for anything, boyfriend/girlfriend/relative/friend.

The only exception to that rule with a person needing you is a child!

I had built such an unhealthy view on how a relationship should be that I forced those 'persons' in to a corner. So the only way out was to literally become physical, I don't mean they were all violent. But having to literally pick me up and move me to the side so they could at least catch their breathe. As no amount of talking, yelling, passive behaviour was sinking in.

I have made myself learn the hard way. I had bounced from one relationship straight into the next. Craving attention and feelings of love.

Ofcourse not all of it was bad. There were times of laughter, happiness, adventure and just being in pure bliss.

I have come to know the difference between needs and wants.

You don't need love, you don't need someone to make you happy and content. If you need something then you are not complete within yourself and you will only manifest your "problems" in to the relationship.
Ofcourse you can want things but be active about it. Don't expect anything. Don't put standards or limits on anyone. That goes for other loved ones too. People can only be pushed so far before breaking.

If love is not a choice for some people, I have the upmost respect for you, that you truly are content with life.

 

I have made some terrible mistakes and made people go through absolute hell for my own selfish "needs". I know the problem now. And I know ofcourse people say it does take 2 to tango but usually one person is worse than the other and/or the instigator.

Once you have realized your faults, apologise! I know I have. But then the biggest thing to do is forgive yourself. Even if they don't and don't ever repeat those mistakes again.

So let's just say I will never be repeating those cycles. I am content with being by myself. I still crave company and affection but there are many other ways to fulfill these desires without forcing love.

Love is great but don't drag yourself down if you don't have "the one". There are so many people who love you in your life and they are what counts.

This is just some of my own emotional experiences. It is not any one others point of view. There are many aspects to "love".

Just appreciate what is around us at all times and not put all energies in to the negative. If someone pulls you down, let them know. Find a solution. Use words and be pro-active. Be understanding to one another and go forward happy in your decisions.

Forgive the past
Treasure the memories
Create anew

Love mateys

Xoxo

#day100

#100happydays #day100

The challenge 100 happy days - CAN YOU BE HAPPY FOR 100 DAYS?

I started this journey to find real happiness, find my smile.

Well it is now day 100. The last 100 days has been a journey balancing and processing many emotions. I remember day 1, I was so upset I had been crying most of the afternoon because of over-thinking irrelevant events that I had worked up in my own head. But I made a promise to myself, no more!! 

I have found a calming balance, the power to fight and most importantly the willingness within to love myself (you could say the no bullshit factor).

I can be me, I feel more comfortable being me, in my own company. I don't need people. If anything I have less people and you know what? I am okay with that.

See no matter how depressed you are there is and always will be one thing in every day that is good. Something is always good. 

No one person can be miserable forever. It is whether you choose to let yourself feel that way or choose to make a difference in your own life. Fuck everyone else. Making other people happy makes you miserable. Don't fool yourself thinking you love making people happy, especially to the detriment of ones self.

I have spent my entire "teen/adult" days trying to make people love me. Yes some of you do love me, but you love me for me not because of what I have done for you.

I have been a horrible person, I have abused others especially loved ones more so, either verbally, physically and/or mentally. I am so truly sorry for having done this and I am ever so blessed to still have those people who put up with me through those times and still be here now.

When you look back over the last 100 days you will see obviously I am obsessed with the sky and food hahaha... but everything i love in everyday life. There is always something beautiful in every day.

So now for me. I have set some new goals to aim for. I look forward to my future, I look forward to spending more time with my kids. They are friggen awesome! I look forward to spending more time with friends and family. 

I hope to have love come my way again. To have someone to live life with.

Thankyou everyone for supporting me on this small journey. I hope to have brought some positivity in to your lives daily. I have done it. I have stuck to something for quite a while and not given up. 

It has been so much fun! I love my life! I am so lucky.

I am happy! :)

#100happy days #day100

xoxo